How to annoy Darren Shan & co
by sheeprock
Summary: Title says it all. Humour i hope and rubbish inside.
1. Kurda

Disclaimer: I don't own DSS or else Vancha would have died by now. (cheating scum!)

10 ways to annoy… Kurda Smahlt

Hand him a piece of cheese and say "They ran out of door plaque namesakes so I figured this will do". 1

Die his hair black while he's sleeping, switch all his classical music with death-metal, leave knifes lying around suggestively in his room, and go round the whole mountain telling everybody that Kurda's turned emo.

Die his hair grey like Steve's and then laugh at the 'old biddy'.

Gather his maps together and burn them, saying that Arra was cold.

Spray-paint Mary-sue all over his bedroom in pink and draw flowers over his clothes (which you have switched to skirts and dresses).

Tell him that Arra's pregnant with his child.

Add a BIG bottle of spice to his bat broth and say that you were trying to make him sexy (i.e. hot).

Cut all his gorgeous blond hair off, and say you thought he was going to apply to do the trails of initiation.

Make the hole in the ground really really big just before he goes in, cover it up lightly, and listen for the screams as he falls in. See how _he_ likes it.

Ask him if he wants to go jumping out of a plane with a parachute, and cut a big love-heart in his.

AN: sorry if this isn't very funny, but some will have more ways than others, and Kurda is one I can't think how to annoy. Please review, I want at least 3 reviews but flames will be used to make smores that I will hand out to everybody else :)

1- i wrote this chappie when there was a story about how kurda got his name, so for anyone who doesn't understand it, i'm sorry :(

p.s i cant find the story, but if anyone does (or i happen to come across it) please can you tell me and i'll post it here :)


	2. Arra

Me: Eep, don't kill me Kurda! The readers want to read more (I think) and don't _you _want to know how to annoy people like Arra?

Kurda: Hmm, that's true… oww! (Blacks out)

Me: Sorry, writing this is a very dangerous occupation… But I don't own DSS- luckily for them…

11 Ways to annoy… Arra Sails.

Just before she's due to have a big fight on the bars, saw through most of it – but not all, so that it's still up, just, and then when she stands on it and falls through, wave a pregnancy test at her saying "by the way, it's positive."

Tell Mr. Crepsley that she's cheating on him, then when he goes through her room to check if you're telling the truth, make sure he finds a chocolate éclair, and a pair of magic pants. So that's the secret to her good figure!

Or, if you want, he could find a pregnancy test that's positive, and her 'diary' saying that it's Mikas.

'Accidentally on purpose' knock into her so that she falls in on an uncompromising position with another vamp, just as Mr. Crepsley is walking along the corridor.

Bring along a computer to Vampire Mountain, with a game, 'worms'. Create Vampire Mountain, and make Arra shoot Mr. Crepsley.

Set her room on fire, and say that you were preparing her for the hall of flames. When she says she isn't doing the trials of initiation, say that you entered her for them.

Switch all her clothes with really tight-fitting skimpy stuff, and then tell her that she's pregnant.

Tell her she's pregnant (she isn't really) and tell her that everyone should see her eating lots of really fatty food, so that when the pregnancy starts to show, everybody'll think that she's just fat, and then when she has the child, they'll be super shocked and grovelling for her to forgive them for ever doubting her. Then, 8 months later, 'disappear'.

Tell her that you're taking her on holiday, take her to the top of the mountain and push her off. As she starts falling, shout down, "Have a nice trip!"

Knock her down in the hall of sports and hold her down. Then give her your hand to help her up. When she accepts, drop hers and say, "I don't want to hold your hand now." And turn your back on her and **sulk.**

Get Debbie, Evanna and Arra together, and say that you want to have a pregnancy party with them, but you're not pregnant unfortunately. When Arra says that she's not pregnant either, wave a rigged pregnancy test at her and say "go check then!" When she comes back, say "I thought so. Byee!"

AN: Thanx for the reviews, here's your smores (hands out smores). I think I'll do Steve next, but first, I want another 3 reviews. Byee!


	3. Steve

Disclaimer: …

Me: Ha ha you can't catch me, you're too fat!

Arra: Get back here you little rat.

Me: Don't you know it's rude to call people names? Meeheeheehee.

Arra: Grrr…

Me: I don't own DSS – yet…

13 ways to annoy… Steve Leonard.

Every year, on Valentines Day, send him a card and a bunch of red roses (the ones he's allergic to) and sign it 'Darren'.

Make a nice meal, put sleeping pills in it, and when he's asleep, put a teddy bear next to him, take pictures and post them on the internet.

Or you could do the same, only instead of taking pictures; get all the vamps to go simultaneously "awwwww!" really loudly.

When he finds out it's you, he'll want to shoot you. So, swap his arrows for little flags that, when you shoot them out, they come out instead and have 'bang' written on them. You then wave a little flag saying 'oww'.

Swap all his black leather for hot pink leather, and do his hair in a hot pink Mohican. Then laugh at him when he comes out.

Or, instead of pink, dye his hair permanent blond and swap his clothes so they look like Kurdas'. Then when he comes out, tell him that Kurda's gay as well.

Get hold of his mum, and persuade her to give you all Steves' old baby albums. Then hold a baby art gallery, which it costs £5 to enter. You annoy him AND make money. Genius!

Spike his drinks and make him sleep so deeply, an earthquake couldn't wake him, and do the same to Vancha, move Steve next to Vancha and take pictures. Then bribe them both.

Paint his room the most loathsome colour – PINK!!!! And then say he did it.

Spray his clothes in phenophalene (? The indicator that turns pink) and then spray him with baby lotion, saying it's time for a bath, and watch his clothes (and his face) turn bright pink.

Tell him that he would make a really rubbish lord of the vampaneze/shadows anyway, because you've seen scarier bunny rabbits held by babies as they're sleeping.

Learn how to fight on the bars really really well in secret, and then challenge him. When you beat him, tell him he must be really rubbish as you haven't even practised for weeks.

Every time he tries to say something, shout "Darren!" over what he's saying.

Follow him around going "Meeheeheehee" every 5 minutes. Always on time!

Whenever he wants to know directions, always say, "Turn right, go straight on for 5 miles and take the third exit. You have reached your destination."

AN: This one was so much fun, cos my friend helped me. I want another 3 reviews before I post the next chapter. I'm going to say that at the end of every chapter. Bye bye, and Meeheeheehee.


	4. RV and Morgan

Disclaimer:

Steve: I'm gonna kill you, you sheep crazy weirdo! And I'm loading my own arrows so hah!

Me: Nice try Steve! (waves a little flag saying 'oww')

Steve: I hate you!

Me: Aww, don't hate me – I don't own DSS yet so I may need you!

10 Ways to annoy… R.V + Morgan James

Every time R.V says something, you reply, "I gotta hand it to you man – you're just too cool!"

At Christmas, give R.V tinsel hooks. Well everybody needs to get into the Christmas spirit!

Switch R.Vs' purple paint and red contacts for red paint and purple contacts. Then when he comes out tell him it's opposite day tomorrow.

When R.V turning a corner, jump out and shout "Boo!"

Okay, so it's kinda babyish, but he's so edgy, it'll be fun!

Whenever Morgan appears, make bullet shooting noises, like "Hrrrrrrrrrrr" and clutch the side of your face in 'agony'.

Leave lots of adverts for plastic surgery around. It'll annoy Morgan AND R.V!

Leave lots of mirrors around for Morgan. Well he should learn that inner beauty is what counts, right?

And then set it up so that everybody is complimenting each other on their good looks.

Whenever R.V flies into one of his rages, tut and sigh, "W1atever happened to you R.V? You used to be so calm. Now you're just hyperactive and paranoid."

Constantly make remarks about how the police force is sooo much better than a few years ago (when Morgan was in it) and how they are so much more effective and all round brilliant!

AN: Sorry I couldn't update earlier, but I've been in bed sick. Thanks a lot for all the reviews, and, as usual, I want 3 more reviews before I update. Bye bye, (for now!)


	5. Mr Crepsley

Disclaimer

R.V: I'm gonna kill you man, that one about the hands was just, so so mean! (Lip quivers, bursts into tears)

Morgan: Yeah, you know vamps can't have plastic surgery, and you know I'm self conscious… aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh. (Also bursts into tears.)

Me: (to self) Geez what a bunch of wussies. (To them) Don't worry poor little babbybues, go sleep it off, and when you wake it'll be a bad dream…

Morgan+R.V: Okay. (Walk dejectedly off)

Me: It's times like this when I'm glad I don't own DSS so I don't have to put up with them!

10 Ways to annoy… Mr. Crepsley.

Every time he says 'cannot' 'shall not' etc, slap him, and say that you're trying to make him talk normally.

Then, when he finally starts talks normally, tell Seba and watch him go through the agony again!

Drop a pregnancy test near him and say "it's for Arra". When he looks horrified say, "don't worry, I'm sure it's not yours!"

Sneak into his room at night, and curl what little hair he has. Then watch as everybody laughs at him and he doesn't know why.

Invite him into an internet café, and watch the fun begin as he struggles to work it. And then you 'help' him and consequently make it worse. Of course, it's not _your_ fault, is it?

Take him to a library, and show him lots of books that you think he should read. And tell him you've entered him in for the seniors reading competition. Well, _I_ didn't know he couldn't read!

Switch his red clothes for an amber top, and green pants, and Voila! Your very own set of movable traffic lights!

Every time you're in the same room, breathe really really heavily and snort etc. Then blame Gavner.

Shave off 'all' his hair. Well, there's barely any _to _shave off, and that little mop looks pathetic!

Tell him that it's worth 7 years of bad luck if you break a mirror. Then deliberately hold a mirror in front of him and watch it crack. Then he finds out that Debbie's expecting a baby, and Darren wants Mr. Crepsley to help babysit.

And then that they're getting married, and Darren wants Mr. Crepsley to be main bridesmaid, and chief wedding planner!

AN: Sorry i took so long to update, but I've had loads of homework (down with homework!!!) but it's here now. Oh, and anybody who has anyways to anooy the padt characters, review, and I'll do a bonus chappie at the end with them all in. but please don't do any I've not done, as you might steal my ideas, and then where will we be? Ficcieless!


	6. Interlude

Interlude:

Sorry, this is just to say I won't be able to update for a while, I've got a major party coming up, and I have to organize it, and I just want to say I'm sorry to all my loyal fans (takes a bow). Thank you :-)

Oh, by the way, this doesn't count as a chapter so you don't **HAVE** to review on it. (but you can if you want!).


	7. Darren

Everybody in the DSS: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!!!!!?????

Me: Aargh, don't kill, please! I've been um, busy!

Kurda: Is that your way of saying that you couldn't be bothered?

Me: Well I had writers block as well! But, yes.

Kurda: I expected better of you girl.

Me: So I don't even warrant a name now?

Kurda: No.

Me: Why are you all looking at me like that?

(Everyone looks at me disgustedly)

Mr.Crepsley: You don't even deserve to have us talking to you. Humph.

Me: Fine then, go off in a strop. I don't care. Anyway, I'm here now, aren't I? (Still getting no reaction). Fine. I'll just write this chapter then. (Blows raspberry at them). Just be glad I don't own you. or else you would be put through TORTURE!!!!!!

10 Ways to annoy… Darren Shan.

1. Prance around in the Hall of Princes in clothes that you nicked from Darren's wardrobe saying "Look at me, aren't I sooo good! I've got books named after me, everybody likes me, I'm one of the best looking people around" etc, making sure you're wearing a name plaque saying 'I'm Darren Shan, look at me!'

2. Put up a big poster of Darren on the door to the Hall of Princes with a notice next to it saying 'please draw on me'. Making sure that you draw a moustache on it of course. (Or a bra on top of his head). Or both.

3. Go into Steve's lair, dressed as Darren, and start coming onto him. (This works best if you fancy Steve). Then go back to the Hall of Princes, and shout from the top stand (?) "Guess what I just saw? Steve and Darren kissing!" This works best if there are two of you, as one can take pictures to 'prove' it. (This will annoy Steve as well, so be prepared to have both of them trying to kill you).

4. Just after he's had his trials of initiation make fun of his baldness (anyway you want) and when he's got loads of hair, make fun of the 'caveman'. (Or other names if you can come up with some, cos I can't be bothered ).

5. Take Debbie on a 'girls night out', get her completely sloshed and, the next day, talk about that man she got off with, in Darren's hearing of course, (which she didn't really, but won't remember). (This will also result in both Debbie and Darren wanting to kill you, so be prepared.)

6. Every time you see him, talk about scratching, itching, bites etc. Then watch the scratching start. And watch, as he goes past everybody else, they start to scratch. Pretty soon you will have a scratching epidemic on your hands, and it'll be all thanks to you. Just watch that you don't start to scratch though. (I bet at least one person will start to scratch while reading this!) Also, this will annoy the whole of the mountain, so learn to run really fast first. (Or make a special get-away hole.)

7. And while hiding in your hole, chuck out bags of pork scratchings at them. (Attack of the scratches!)

8. Give him a complete makeover while he's sleeping, and watch everyone run away in horror, or double up laughing as he walks past. Then give him a mirror and watch him pass out. He'll be the laughing stock of the mountain for years.

9. While he's sleeping, dye his hair red. And give him red clothes. And then tell him, that the curse of the mentor is upon him (If you're with your mentor to long, then you turn into them). If he wants to save himself, he has to ditch Mr.Crepsley immediately. Bye Bye Creepy!

10. Have you ever seen Potter Puppet Pals, TMTN? If you haven't, then you won't get this one.

Make a Darren Shan Puppet Pals show, with Mr.C as Snape, Darren as Harry, Gavner as Hermione, Paris as Dumbledore and Kurda as Ron. Then show it in the Hall of Princes. (This will annoy all of the above characters, so get back in your hole!)

AN: Sorry sorry sorry! I've been feeling kinda floaty, so don't expect a regular update. But, I definitely won't update till I've got at least 5 reviews. (And still-dreaming15 doesn't count!). But, I will be updating more now, cos I've refound my love for ff. So, toodleoodles my fans! (If I have any).


	8. mr tiny

Disclaimer:

Darren: I do NOT strut around like that!

Me: Aww, don't worry Darren, I'm sure it'll be in the legends for thousands of years to come! Anyway, all your other friends put up with it, so why can't you?

Darren: What makes you so sure that everyone else put up with it? (Ominous glow in the background, and vamps chanting "get her, get her!")

Me: EEP! Bye-bye, enjoy!

11 ways to annoy…Mr. (Desmond) Tiny

1. Steal his watch. That alone is enough to make him mad, but if you 'accidentally' break as well, he'll not only be powerless, but also like a rhinoceros in a too small cage. Very very angry.

2. Call him 'Dearest Dessie' every time you talk to him. And talk to him a lot.

3. Set Darren and Debbie's wedding, and make dearest Dessie the chief bridesmaid, and kit him1out in baby pink and gold dress, flowers, and killer heels.

4. Then make Arra the best man. (Wrong way round I know, but bear with me). She won't mind (that much) as she likes Darren and Debbie (as friends) but it is tradition for the chief bridesmaid and the best (wo)man to get off! (still-dreaming15 will appreciate this the most).

5. Go down to his cave with a hammer, and start trashing it. Steal anything worthwhile then scarper. All his hoarding will have come to nothing! Mwuah hahaha!

6. When a really bad disaster is coming up, waylay him by talking about Darren and Debbie's wedding and how cute he looked. Then when the disaster's past it's (best?) bit let him go. He'll have missed it.

7. Then the next day, talk about how he must be going soft, as he doesn't want to watch disasters which he would have previously enjoyed.

8. Talk about how, with the help of me of course, you are sooo much better at annoying people than him. Including him.

9. Also you're much more feared around vamps than him now, as they don't want to be severely annoyed. ( Especially ones who are trying anger management courses, which are most of them).

10. Find out which foods he hates (i.e. sweetcorn – I know! Weirdo! ) and force feed him them – or you could just sneak them into his food and then tell him once he's eaten them. Either way, make sure you're bedroom's not next to his, as he'll be up being sick all night.

11. Or, you could not tell him, and wait and see if he was really just lying about hating sweetcorn. But if he isn't, make sure you tell him in the morning : )

AN: this is my second to last chapter! sniff sniff but, I have just started another story. It's only a one shot, but if I get 7 reviews plus asking me to carry on, I will : ) Also, if people can come with anyways to annoy people that I haven't come up with, I will make another chapter with all them in and the respective reviewers name : ) So, see you in my next, and final, chappie : (


	9. multipeople!

Disclaimer: I don't own DSS

Me: I knew I shouldn't have continued with this story…

Kurda: Look on the bright side, at least your fans will be happy.

Me: oh yeah, that really makes me feel better about being strung up and having vamps look at me like I'm dindins. Stupid story. It caused me nothing but trouble, but as long as there are people still wanting it to carry on I have to

Darren: Why?

Me: Because I get lots of reviews saying don't end it! And they make me sad cos I don't like upsetting people (unless I'm intending to : ))

Vamps: Awwww…

Me: P.S – this is going to be multi people chappie, for those vamps/people you can only think of a few ways to annoy : )

4 ways to annoy …Madam Octa

1. Hold a piece of pizza just out of reach of her (preferably when she's in her cage) and taunt her with it.

2. Put Madam Octa in the barrel of a drum kit and play along to Kaiser Chiefs.

3. Lock her in her cage and pour glitter, talc and pepper over her and see whether she sparkles, sneezes or shakes herself off first.

4. Make a little spider paradise complete with a miniature theme park and bring up all the ba'shan spiders up, and lock madam Octa in her cage. Mwuah ha ha ha!

4 ways to annoy …Arrow

1. Dress up as a vampaneze (or, if you have complete control over vampaneze because you're friends with Steve get them to do it) and dance around Arrow singing westlifes song 'Mandy' only substitute 'Mandy' with his wife's name. (As soon as I find it out I'll post it :))

2. Find out his last name (again, I will post this asaifo [as soon as I find out :)) and post it all over VM and hand out flyers to all the vampaneze. I mean there's _got_ to be a reason why he doesn't tell us, yeah?

3. Give him hair growth tablets, but make them super strong, so he thinks he's going to have a nice bit of hair, but instead he ends up with a long droopy moustache, a birds nest beard and lovely long thick hair ( which you sneak into his bedroom at night and plait into lovely little pigtails with bows on them!).

4. Make fun of his name! Tell him that he is the reason why Steve tried to defeat the vampires with an arrow gun, when he was spying on Darren and Mr. C he heard your name and decided it would be good to bring the vampires down with one of their own rulers! (Kinda sneaky actually!)

5 ways to annoy …Gavner Purl

1. Talk to him about his 'friendship' with Kurda, and tell him that, although you are perfectly fine with friends hugging each other, holding hands in public and gazing into each others eyes (in a non staring match way) is kinda creeping you out so can they cool down their 'friendship'.

2. Invite everybody to a fancy dress party and there will be a prize for the person who is most like their FICTIONAL character (Arra!), and off to the side mention to Gavner that he would be a strong contender if he dressed as Darth Vader and then give him first prize if he does come dressed as Darth Vader. Kurda can come as Luke Skywalker and get second prize. Then they can have the legendary fight:

Kurda: you killed my father!

Gavner: No Luke, I AM your father!

Kurda: And I've been dating you! EEEWWW!!!!! (Runs to the lake to wash out his mouth)

Gavner: No, wait Kurdy-wurdy! I was just joking! Acting out my part! WWAAAIIITTT!!!!

AN: so what do you think? And this time I won't take any emotional blackmail! I think I'll be carrying on my other story though (even though I didn't get enough reviews, but who cares!) It is different, in the fact that it's an oc story, and I'm not quite sure if the oc is me or not! But as I said, I will post Arrows detail asaifo, so, Bye bye for now!


	10. Final Chappie

Hi, I'm only back to tell you that Darren Shan (the author) won't tell me what Arrows wife's name is :( On the plus side, he s

Hi, I'm only back to tell you that Darren Shan (the author) won't tell me what Arrows wife's name is :( On the plus side, he said we'd find out in a few years. So, till then goodbye :)

P.S I'm going to do something similar to this, only on Harry Potter if anybody wants to read it, it will be greatly appreciated :) Yay for annoying people!


	11. Mini Mika Chappie

AN: I know I said id finished this story, but because people have asked me to, and when I feel like it, im going to do some mi

AN: I know I said id finished this story, but because people have asked me to, and when I feel like it, im going to do some mini chappies with just 5 annoying ways. This one is for Elenafromthewoods, so enjoy : )

I don't own DSS or Mika because if I did, I wouldn't just be _writing_ about torturing him.

1. Get together a cheer leading squad (made up of Larten, Paris, Arra and Kurda of course) and every time Mika comes into the Hall Of Princes get them to do a dance to 'Mickey'.

2. Dress entirely in black and prance around the HOP singing "I'm Mika Ver Leth, I'm a weirdo goth, I like wearing pink tutus in my spare time… oops, sorry Mika, that wasn't supposed to come out" and grin evilly before prancing off again.

3. Get a black wig from somewhere that's as long as Mikas' hair and dye his hair bright pink. Then, hang the wig from the HOP wall, just out of his reach and when he wakes up and goes in laugh and point at him while saying "Mika wears a wig! Mika has pink hair! HA HA HA HA!!"

4. Force Mika into a life and death situation (without him realising that it was you who did it) and save his life. He'll be indebted to you, and you can do all the humiliating things you want to him (or otherwise if you REALLY want shudders).

5. Dress up as Dessie and walk behind Mika constantly snapping your fingers and saying "not even seen 300 years…"

AN: I hope you liked this chappie and I will occasionally do more small chappies : ) Umm, I'm not sure what happened, but when I first uploaded this chappie it didn't upload no. 5 so, here it is and I'm really sorry about that :(


	12. Mini Gannen Chappie

AN: This is a new mini chappie, all about Gannen! Enjoy, Gannen fans (or, rather, Gannen haters!).

1. Buy him a pink thong with lots of little hearts on it, and tell him Steve said to wear it 'for later', and then wink suggestively and nudge him. Then run off laughing.

2. Since it's nearly Christmas (yay!) you could buy him some very, *cough*, tasteful, socks/tie to wear.

P.s, if it's a tie it has to be a musical tie that goes off every time he moves, and if it's socks they have to have bobble heads with bells on that will irritate EVERYBODY, but most of all, Gannen.

3. Or you could start up a Secret Santa, make sure you get Gannens name, and buy him a book titled, 'Coming Out Of The Closet'.

4. You could give him a hair cut, and tell him that you thought he was getting to hot with all that hair, since he's turned purple with heat.

5. Or, every time you see him, (this is more for Gannen lovers!) push him to the floor and start giving him CPR, because you thought he was turning purple because he couldn't breathe.

AN: I'm sorry this is quite short, I might add some more to it later, but it's quite late and I have other stuff to do, sorry :(

P.s, if you want to review and tell me who you want doing next, I will have another up before Christmas! (And I'll try and make it a bit longer this time : )


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